How do you feel about adoption?

There are anti-adoption sites popping up around the web lately. These sites can be from the birth parent's perspective or the adoptive parent's perspective.

Regarding the sites from the birth parent's perspective, they tell painful stories about birth mothers being separated from their children, and how the mother (and sometimes father) regretted that decision for her entire life.

Regarding the sites from the adoptive parent's perspective, many of them tell stories about the rising number of reunions between children given up for adoption and one or both of their birth parents, and how this makes the adoptive parents feel like long term babysitters. They also tell harrowing stories about "failed adoptions", or "disrupted adoptions".

Failed adoptions are situations where the adoption fell through, where the birth mother changed her mind, for example.
Disrupted adoptions are situations where the adopted child was given back to the adoption agency, for any number of reasons.

Of course the other side of this discussion is that many, many people have adopted, been adopted, and given children up for adoption, and it worked out beautifully, and was in everyone's best interest.

What do you feel about adoption?

This is from a birth mom's side.

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Regarding the sites from the birth parent's perspective, they tell painful stories about birth mothers being separated from their children, and how the mother (and sometimes father) regretted that decision for her entire life.

Is it hard yes, is it painful yes, am I glad I did it yes. Do regret it sometimes mainly in the beginning. Now tho I worry about how he will feel once he finds out. Because I know he will mostly because of conversations with my mom. I worry about how he feels knowing I placed him but not his brothers. I worry how he will feel knowing why I did what I did? I worry most of all about the questions he will ask about his father.

But overall do I regret the decision I made that day? No

Do you mean that you think your mom will tell him, even though you may not want her to?

futureshock wrote:

Do you mean that you think your mom will tell him, even though you may not want her to?

Its not that I don't want her to its just that I worry from all the stories I hear about how people feel when they found out their mother its not their birth mother.

RebelCats wrote:

futureshock wrote:

Do you mean that you think your mom will tell him, even though you may not want her to?

Its not that I don't want her to its just that I worry from all the stories I hear about how people feel when they found out their mother its not their birth mother.

I get what you mean. I just re-read that post, in a new way this time.

His father is not the father of your other boys, is he? How is his relationship with your mom? Is he happy?

futureshock wrote:

RebelCats wrote:

futureshock wrote:

Do you mean that you think your mom will tell him, even though you may not want her to?

Its not that I don't want her to its just that I worry from all the stories I hear about how people feel when they found out their mother its not their birth mother.

I get what you mean. I just re-read that post, in a new way this time.

His father is not the father of your other boys, is he? How is his relationship with your mom? Is he happy?

Yep my eldest (adopted) is from a previous relationship. He has a great relationship with my mom and he is very happy.

RebelCats wrote:

futureshock wrote:

RebelCats wrote:

futureshock wrote:

Do you mean that you think your mom will tell him, even though you may not want her to?

Its not that I don't want her to its just that I worry from all the stories I hear about how people feel when they found out their mother its not their birth mother.

I get what you mean. I just re-read that post, in a new way this time.

His father is not the father of your other boys, is he? How is his relationship with your mom? Is he happy?

Yep my eldest (adopted) is from a previous relationship. He has a great relationship with my mom and he is very happy.

I don't think he will have any reason to be upset if he finds out, because you gave him a better life but giving him up.

I like adoption but it needs major work. To have a baby only requires gestating for 9 months no matter how stable you are personally or financially. Adoption is a big money making cottage industry.

This is not from a pro choice source, but a respected 'family' website..

This comes right from a CHILD WELFARE site.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_impact/f_impact.cfm

Responses to Adoption Placement

Grieving the Loss of the Child. Placing a child for adoption can cause a sense of loss that is all-encompassing. This sense of loss begins with the pregnancy itself as the expectant parents come to accept the reality of the unplanned pregnancy and the loss of their own immediate life plans. Most struggle with the decision to place the child for adoption; those who decide to do so begin to plan for a great loss in their own lives with the hope that placing the child for adoption will result in a better life for their baby and for themselves.

The actual physical separation generally occurs soon after the birth. Many circumstances can have an impact on the birth parent's feelings at the time, including mixed feelings about the adoption placement, support from other family members and the other birth parent, and whether the planned adoption is open (i.e., allowing some later contact with the child). The actions of the agency personnel (if an agency is involved), as well as those of the adoption attorney, adoptive parents, hospital personnel, and physician can all affect the feelings of the birth mother and father as they proceed through the process of the adoption and the termination of their own parental rights.

The birth and the actual surrendering of the baby may prompt feelings of numbness, shock, and denial, as well as grief, in the birth parents. All of these feelings are normal reactions to loss. This particular type of loss is different from a loss through death, however, because there is rarely a public acknowledgment, and friends and family of the birth parents may attempt to ignore the loss by pretending that nothing has happened. In some cases, the secrecy surrounding the pregnancy and adoption may make it difficult for birth parents to seek out and find support as they grieve their loss. In addition, the lack of formal rituals or ceremonies to mark this type of loss may make it more difficult to acknowledge the loss and therefore to acknowledge the grief as a normal process.

When birth parents first deal with their loss, the grief may be expressed as denial. The denial serves as a buffer to shield them from the pain of the loss. This may be followed by sorrow or depression as the loss becomes more real. Anger and guilt may follow, with anger sometimes being directed at those who helped with the adoption placement. The final phases, those of acceptance and resolution, refer not to eliminating the grief permanently but to integrating the loss into ongoing life.

Grieving Other Losses. Placing a child for adoption may also cause other (secondary) losses, which may add to the grief that birth parents feel. No one fantasizes about having a baby and then giving it up, so expectant parents who are planning to place the child for adoption may grieve for the loss of their parenting roles. They may grieve for the person their child might have become as their son or daughter. These feelings of loss may re-emerge in later years, for instance, on the child's birthday, or when the child is old enough to start school or to reach other developmental milestones.

Additional losses may occur as a result of the pregnancy and placement. In some cases, the birth mother loses her relationship with the birth father under the stress of the pregnancy, birth, and subsequent placement decision. The birth parents may also lose relationships with their own parents, whose disappointment or disapproval may be accompanied by a lack of support. In extreme cases, the birth mother may need to leave her parents and her home. The birth mother may lose her place in the educational system or in the workplace as a result of the pregnancy. Birth parents may also lose friends who are not supportive of either the pregnancy or the decision to place the child for adoption.

Guilt and Shame. Birth parents may experience guilt and shame for having placed their child for adoption, since societal values reflect a lack of understanding of the circumstances that might prompt birth parents to make an adoption plan for their child. At first, there may be shame associated with the unplanned pregnancy itself and with admitting the situation to parents, friends, co-workers, and others. Shame about the pregnancy may lead to feelings of unworthiness or incompetence about becoming a parent. Once the child is born, the decision to place the child for adoption may prompt new feelings of guilt about "rejecting" the child, no matter how thoughtful the decision or what the circumstances of the adoption.

The shame and guilt felt by birth parents is often supported by the secrecy surrounding the adoption process. Thus, keeping the pregnancy a secret, maintaining secrecy throughout the adoption proceedings, and then treating the experience as unimportant may promote a feeling of shame in birth parents, since the pregnancy and adoption are not even discussed. Birth parents who can discuss their feelings with supportive friends, family members, or professional counselors may more easily come to terms with their decision over time and be able to integrate the experience into their lives.

Identity Issues. Placing a child for adoption may trigger identity issues in some birth parents. They may wonder, "Am I a parent?" Some birth parents may experience a sense of incompleteness, because they are parents without a child. Generally, their status as parents is not acknowledged among family and friends. If the birth parents go on to have other children whom they raise, this may also affect how the birth parents view their own identity, as well as that of all their children.

These questions about identity may also extend to the relationship with the child when the adoption is open. Birth parents who participate in open adoptions may initially wonder how they will fit into that new relationship with their child once the adoptive parents become the legal parents. However, this relationship with the child and adoptive family in an open adoption may evolve so that the birth parents maintain an agreed-upon role in the life of the child. Still, there are few role models for birth parents to help clarify this issue of identity. (For more information about open adoptions, see the Information Gateway factsheet Openness in Adoption.)

Long-Term Issues. Many birth parents continue to mourn the loss of their child throughout their lifetime, but with varying intensity. For instance, birth parents may continue to track the milestones of their child's life by imagining birthday parties, first days of school, graduation, and more. Some birth parents experience longstanding grief, that is, grief that lasts a very long time and may continue to actually interfere with a birth parent's life many years later. Some of the factors that have been found to be associated with longstanding grief include:

* A birth parent's feeling that she was pressured into placing her child for adoption against her will
* Feelings of guilt and shame regarding the placement
* Lack of opportunity to express feelings about the placement

The personal stories of some birth parents, as well as studies with birth parents in therapy, have indicated that some birth parents experience difficulties beyond longstanding grief (see, for example, Winkler & van Keppel, 1984). For instance, some birth parents may have trouble forming and maintaining relationships. This may be due to lingering feelings of loss and guilt, or it may be due to a fear of repeating the loss. Other birth parents may attempt to fill the loss quickly by establishing a new relationship, marrying, or giving birth again—without having dealt with the grief of the adoption placement. A few birth parents report being overprotective of their subsequent children, because they are afraid of repeating the experience of separation and loss (Askren & Bloom, 1999).

For some birth parents, the ability to establish a successful marriage or long-term relationship may depend on the openness with which they can discuss their past experiences of birth and adoption placement. Some birth parents never tell their spouses or subsequent children of their earlier child. Others are comfortable enough with their decision to be able to share their past.

Women regret adoption, abortion, and even having a baby... ALL choices in life can cause regret and shame, but that is why we have a choice, because ONLY THE WOMAN knows what she can personally handle.

My fiance was adopted. he knew from the beginning and was never sorry about it. He knew he was given a better life and is happy that he got that chance. It is all dependent on his mindset and raising. I would not keep it from him much longer. He will feel left out and lied to in the end, especially since you are so close family wise

As an adopted person, I do not think that adoption is inherently evil. However, I think it is important that we work to empower women to have the choice to keep the child if she wants to do so. I also think we should move away from the idea that a man, just because he is biologically related to a child, should have rights over that child that override the interests of the child and of the adoptive parents. Moreover, I think that the adoptive parent-child relationship should be treated, at least functionally, like a non-adoptive parent-child relationship.

NorthStar wrote:

Moreover, I think that the adoptive parent-child relationship should be treated, at least functionally, like a non-adoptive parent-child relationship.

I thought it was? What do you mean specifically?

futureshock wrote:

NorthStar wrote:

Moreover, I think that the adoptive parent-child relationship should be treated, at least functionally, like a non-adoptive parent-child relationship.

I thought it was? What do you mean specifically?

If I recall correctly, I had in mind "failed adoptions." Adoptive parents should not be able to treat their adopted children as charity cases or threaten to give back their adopted children. They should not treat them as inferior or give them a lower status than their biological children. Biological parents should not be able to change their minds and take back their adopted-away children.

At the same time, I think that adoptive children should have some access to their histories- particularly medical histories. I am personally perturbed that my biological families are resisting giving me access to information about genetic diseases. Currently I am suffering from an autoimmune disease that has a clear genetic link but I have been blocked from getting better information about it from my biological families.

NorthStar wrote:

futureshock wrote:

NorthStar wrote:

Moreover, I think that the adoptive parent-child relationship should be treated, at least functionally, like a non-adoptive parent-child relationship.

I thought it was? What do you mean specifically?

If I recall correctly, I had in mind "failed adoptions." Adoptive parents should not be able to treat their adopted children as charity cases or threaten to give back their adopted children. They should not treat them as inferior or give them a lower status than their biological children. Biological parents should not be able to change their minds and take back their adopted-away children.

I agree with you. That's outrageous that some children are threatened like that.

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At the same time, I think that adoptive children should have some access to their histories- particularly medical histories. I am personally perturbed that my biological families are resisting giving me access to information about genetic diseases. Currently I am suffering from an autoimmune disease that has a clear genetic link but I have been blocked from getting better information about it from my biological families.

You should have a legal right to that information. What in the world is keeping them from handing it over?

futureshock wrote:

NorthStar wrote:

futureshock wrote:

NorthStar wrote:

Moreover, I think that the adoptive parent-child relationship should be treated, at least functionally, like a non-adoptive parent-child relationship.

I thought it was? What do you mean specifically?

If I recall correctly, I had in mind "failed adoptions." Adoptive parents should not be able to treat their adopted children as charity cases or threaten to give back their adopted children. They should not treat them as inferior or give them a lower status than their biological children. Biological parents should not be able to change their minds and take back their adopted-away children.

I agree with you. That's outrageous that some children are threatened like that.

Quote :

At the same time, I think that adoptive children should have some access to their histories- particularly medical histories. I am personally perturbed that my biological families are resisting giving me access to information about genetic diseases. Currently I am suffering from an autoimmune disease that has a clear genetic link but I have been blocked from getting better information about it from my biological families.

You should have a legal right to that information. What in the world is keeping them from handing it over?

My biological grandmother has a similar or the same disease. But when I asked to talk to her about it, her daughter (my birth mother) and her granddaughters (my biological cousins who are cousins to each other) balked at the idea because they were afraid that she would be upset by the news. She died recently.

NorthStar wrote:

My biological grandmother has a similar or the same disease. But when I asked to talk to her about it, her daughter (my birth mother) and her granddaughters (my biological cousins who are cousins to each other) balked at the idea because they were afraid that she would be upset by the news. She died recently.

I'm sorry for your loss (if it was loss, I mean).

What "news" would she have been upset by? By your existence? She knows about you, right? What am I missing?